vision: the uncertainty, the unclear.

When something terrible happens to you, the knee-jerk reaction is to ask “why me?”

This seemed to be the case when Kenny passed away.  Everyone kept asking why.

“Why Kenny?”

“Why so young?”

“Why the good ones?”

“Why?”

I’ve been asked multiple times if I’m still angry or when did I stop feeling angry about Kenny.  To be completely honest, I have not felt any anger since Kenny’s passing.  I know some may wonder how or why or if I’m really telling the truth, but I am, and it’s true.

It goes back to my post about mourning and grieving, and that I had grieved all along our journey at various times, for various amounts of time.  Those were the moments where I felt the anger – lots of anger.  But I was not, and still not to this day, angry about Kenny being taken away from me.  I don’t look at it as if he was removed from my life and taken away.  I look at it as though I was GIVEN a wonderful 6+ years with him.  To have him as a best friend, a companion, a lover, and a soulmate.  I look at it as I was blessed to have him in my life, period.  I don’t focus on not getting to live the rest of my life with him.

To some, that may be very difficult to read and grasp.  But I truly believe that to my core.

If I only focused on the years that I will never have with him, instead of the years that I did, I would be wasting the rest of my life away.  And that’s no way to live – and he wouldn’t want that for me.

I know I’m here for a greater good.  I know the life I’ve experienced thus far is a main contributor to what I have to share with the world.  I’ve been thrown many curve balls in life, and this past week was no different.

I lost my job earlier this week.  It’s the first time I’ve ever lost a job unknowingly.  At first, it definitely was a complete shock, but after the shock wore off, and I realized I was just being shoved in a direction that was probably right all along, I knew everything was going to be okay.

I never would have imagined showing up to work on Monday, May 2^nd, and leaving within the hour to start a new chapter in my life, but I’m truly seeing at it as a blessing, not a burden.

How many times has something “good” been taken away from you, but only to be replaced with something much, much better?  Too many for me to count.

So the next time something similar happens to you – something that doesn’t seem to be fitting your plan or what you thought your life would or should be – just remember, it’s His plan.

Don’t ask for the reasons.  Don’t pray for the answers.

Instead, pray for the courage.  Pray for the strength.  Pray for the guidance as you walk into the darkness.

Pray for the faith in the vision – not the clarity.

(This post was inspired by the amazing Emily P. Freeman and her post on hopeful vision.)