gushing

I can’t believe it’s already been over 3 weeks.

But at the same time, it still feels like April.  My brain can’t process that it is June, and almost July.  I’m stuck in this weird time warp where time passes by so fast, and yet, so slowly at the same time.

My exhaustion is finally catching up to me. I think for the past few weeks, and honestly months, I’ve been running off of adrenaline and the energy from everyone else – that’s the main thing that’s kept me going.  As everyone else has started to move on and get back into their routine, I’m stuck here trying to still figure out my new one.  As much as I had prepared myself for the day he’d no longer be here, I could never fully anticipate the emotions and various things to come.  I always stayed optimistic and one to push and support Kenny with new treatments and unknown territories.  But towards the end, things got more and more discouraging – harder and harder to take just one more step, whether it was in the “right” direction or not.  There were countless times I have no idea how he kept trying, how he kept going to one more appointment, how he made one more phone call, sent one more email, filled out one more piece of paper, signed one more clinical trial.  But he did.  And I made sure I was right there with him, every step of the way.  We weren’t perfect, but at the end of the day, I knew I could count on him being in my corner, and I was always in his – ready to fight, and fight like hell.

I’ve been experiencing this emotion, or mix of emotions, the past week or so that I just can’t quite define or explain.  I wrote a few thoughts in my phone last week, trying to explain to myself this emotion.  I have had this overwhelming anxious feeling.  I have felt anxious before, but not this kind of anxious.  It’s like I don’t know what’s coming next, therefore, I don’t know how to feel.  It’s like all this energy I used to put forth into my love and care for him – I don’t know what to do with it or how to process it now that he’s gone.  I have this overwhelming feeling to love.  I loved him so hard, so deeply for so long… and now, I have no one to give that same magnitude of love to.  I can love on other people – friends, family, strangers – but it’s not the same kind of love I knew for so long.

People may argue the length of time – we were only married 4 years, going on 5.  But, as some may know, it’s not so much the length of time that your life consumes, but the depth.  We had many life events and experiences that couples our age and ones married for as long as we had been (and even before we were even married) will not experience until later in life, even if at all.  I don’t say this to brag or boast about our relationship, but just to bring it to the surface and to put some perspective to it that maybe hasn’t been before.

Back to the unexplained emotion… {see, my thoughts are all over the place} It’s like I loved so deeply for so hard that when May 30th came and went, it was like I hit a brick wall going 100 mph and everything around me broke into a thousand pieces.  Not quite a million, because like I said before, I knew this day would come, and I knew it was growing nearer and nearer… but now I feel like I’m in the process of coming to, from being stunned, and picking up all the broken pieces around me and figuring out which ones belong, which ones need to be tossed, which ones need to be kept for later, and which ones will be new.

I know I don’t have all the answers, and I know it will take time.  It will most definitely take time.  But this gushing, overwhelming feeling to feel and love…. time can’t help that right now.  I can’t stop this feeling that is pouring out of me.  And I’m not sure it’s one of those that can be redirected towards something else, or even someone else…  it’s just there. For now.

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