“Turns out life isn’t routine if you’re doing it right.  It always surprises you.  And that’s a surprise I don’t hate.” {blackish}

I haven’t written in awhile… September has been a very busy month, probably my busiest so far, which isn’t a bad thing – it’s kept my mind busy.  But it also has distracted me from me.

I caught myself going from day to day, event to event, and not taking time to do things for just me, myself.  Learning how to recognize this has been a challenge – even learning to recognize or figure out what does make me happy and fill fulfilled with myself has been very difficult for me.  It’s easy to rely on someone else to approve what you’re doing or let them define your worth.  Not only is it easy, it also feels good to hear it from someone else, especially someone whom you love and care about.  I’m beginning to learn that I valued Kenny’s “approval” more than I ever thought I did/didn’t.  Any time I accomplished something or finished something, I loved hearing how proud he was of me.  Although it was always nice hearing that from him, I lost that feeling of self-worth and just being proud of myself.

It’s been 4 months today, and I’m just now starting to recognize this.  It’s hard to come to terms with the fact that I valued someone else’s opinion about me and my accomplishments that much, but I think it’s part of the process.  Whether it’s losing a spouse, significant other, parent, sibling, best friend, teacher, or mentor, the realization that it doesn’t all depend on someone else’s approval, that the only person’s approval that really matters is YOURS.  Do you feel proud?  Do you find worth within yourself?  They are very hard questions to ask yourself, but finding that independence is crucial.  And once you do, it will only grow the strength of the codependency between you and your other half.

Surprises.  I’ve had so many this month – too many to list.  But the main one is I never thought I would be starting back at the foundation of me – the learning and rebuilding phases.  I think I figured I would be the same person after Kenny passed, but how in the world did I ever think that???  To think that I would just move on into this new life of mine being the exact same person, essentially, is just crazy looking back.  When Kenny passed, every single aspect of my life changed.  Every single one.

I’ve also caught myself worrying about things and the future. Well, one thing I’ve started doing for myself again is to do my Jesus Calling reading again, first thing in the morning and journal when I do.  Of course, today’s couldn’t have been more perfect:

 “I am perpetually with you, taking care of you. That is the most important fact of your existence. I am not limited by time or space; My Presence with you is a forever promise. You need not fear the future, for I am already there. When you make that quantum leap into eternity, you will find Me awaiting you in heaven. Your future is in My hands; I release it to you day by day, moment by moment. Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. 
     I want you to live this day abundantly, seeing all there is to see, doing all there is to do. Don’t be distracted by future concerns. Leave them to Me! Each day of life is a glorious gift, but so few people know how to live within the confines of today. Much of their energy for abundant living spills over the time line into tomorrow’s worries or past regrets. Their remaining energy is sufficient only for limping through the day, not for living it to the full. I am training you to keep your focus on My Presence in the present. This is how to receive abundant Life, which flows freely from My throne of grace.”

As I approach these upcoming months and their milestones – anniversary, birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas – I will be practicing this mindset and consciously being aware to take time for me.  It’s very difficult to not worry about the future and what it potentially holds for you, but like I’ve said in a previous post, if you use your energy on events that haven’t even happened yet, you are missing out on the small, daily treasures that are right in front of you.

Live today, and live it abundantly.  You never know, it may just surprise you too…