chapters pt. 1

We each have our own.  No one has the same number, same content, same length.

I’ve closed a chapter and entered a new one. Maybe even a new book. Same series, but new book.

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The most difficult part for me in this process is trying to understand that I’m not only mourning and grieving him, but myself…

The me that was a wife, best friend, caretaker, partner-in-crime, step-mom, sister-in-law, cousin-in-law… the list goes on and on.

Not that I’m not some of those things now, but it’s just different.  I’m not forgetting him or not thinking about him everyday, but I’m learning how to live in this physical world without him.

One of the scariest things for me is finding and learning the new me.  Will I love the new me? Will someone else love the new me? Will my friends and family love/like the new me?

I know the long answer to all of these is yes.

But it doesn’t mean these thoughts don’t cross my mind and frankly, scare the absolute hell of out me.

I have a clean slate. A blank canvas. Some people dream, hope, and pray for a new beginning.  I didn’t.  But it was the hand I was dealt, and I’m going to play it the best I can.  And, if anyone knows me, I tend to have my grandma Lillie’s luck… so I will definitely beat the house.

“Fly” by Maddie and Tae

Baby blue staring in the window pane
Just counting drops of rain
Wondering if she’s got the guts to take it
Running down her dreams in a dirty dress,
Now her heart’s a mess
Praying she will find a way to make it

So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We’ve come this far, don’t you be scared now
Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

Searching for a sign in the night even like a lonely string of lights
That’ll burn just long enough for you to see it
The road’s been long and lonely and you feel like giving up
There’s more to this than just the breath you’re breathing

So keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We’ve come this far, don’t you be scared now
Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

You won’t forget the heavy steps it took to let it go
Close your eyes, count to ten, hold your breath and fly

Keep on climbing, though the ground might shake
Just keep on reaching though the limb might break
We’ve come this far, don’t you be scared now
Cause you can learn to fly on the way down

Oh-oh, oh-oh
Fly
Fly

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4 thoughts on “chapters pt. 1

  1. When I think about this part of your journey, I can’t help but think how I would feel if something happened to Heston. And I have to admit, this was my first thought. When someone becomes a part of your soul, and then they no longer exist physically beside you on this earth, how do you learn to live that new life? You express it so well, and no doubt that you will play a marvelous hand. I love you so much! Please keep sharing! I have no doubt that you are helping more people than you can even imagine!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Love this. You will play a fantastic hand 🙂 … and as incredible of a person the old you was, I have no doubt this new one will be even stronger and more compassionate than ever. That’s just you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. You are the strongest woman I know! Myself and anyone else that knows you have so much admiration, love and respect for YOU! Like you said you didn’t want this new beginning but you had NO choice. You have dealt with this horrible unfair situation with so much grace and dignity. That is something to truly be proud of. You know that Kenny is looking down on you with a huge smile on his face 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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